Reviews, respect and the ripple effect in the sex industry
Tuesday, 02 April 2013
Nobody should ever approach another person with a view that they are not equal, that you are authorised to get what you want at the expense of someone else’s rights. Everyone is entitled to feel safe, to be respected, to live and work with dignity. Everyone, including sex workers.
Recently, there was a review posted on a forum of a lady who shall remain nameless. To me, it’s less of a review and more a description of a man inflicting himself forcefully upon a woman. The language used in the review was aggressive, hostile, and disrespectful. The reviewer seemed to proudly describe his intentional and direct crossing of the lady in question’s boundaries.
Here are some gems from the piece of writing. Please note, these excerpts are direct quotes, and as such, all spelling and grammatical mistakes are not my own, and my apologies – I cannot reference the review as it has now been removed from the forum upon which it was posted.
“I went in to the booking with the mindset of – Don’t let her say no, get as much out of this as possible, take charge”
Let’s start with this first quote. I think we’ve locked down the main issue here already. He went into the booking thinking, “Don’t let her say no.” Would he have approached sex with another woman with this attitude? Or is it that she’s a sex worker? He seems to think he can do whatever he wants.
“I asked her if kissing was on the table and she said “only little ones” and gave me a peck on the lips. I moved in for DFK and she pulled her head away.
(I don’t consider myself an ugly guy and I’ve only ever had this happen once before with K**** – another dud) But I thought I’d push on and take charge of the booking. See what I can get out of her (make her do).”
Fainted with shock yet?
Earlier in the review, the client states that he had asked the lady before the booking took place if she kissed. She replied, “I don’t kiss everyone.” He still went along and happily trotted into the booking, although, with the full intention of “taking charge” and seeing what he can “make her do”. I wonder if, at this premature stage, the lady started to feel a touch uncomfortable?
““Don’t go too hard on me” she said….so I started slow, then went hard…..”
Is he trying to harm this lady? It sounds like a huge power trip. Perhaps it’s a punishment on some level?
“Every time I went to touch her very nice boobs, she pushed my hand away, so I just grabbed them anyway (It’s my money that got spent, not hers so she can at least let me grab them, she is a sex worker so there shouldn’t be any problem there).”
More disturbing behaviour. She pushes his hand away – was she in pain? I don’t like my breasts to be “grabbed”, especially when I’ve tried to demonstrate that it’s too rough. Was the lady feeling alarmed, by this point? And, what satisfaction does a man gain from forcing a woman to tolerate that?
“…after 30 minutes of me completely taking charge and ignoring her “don’t do this, don’t do that” she said that was enough, she will finish me off with hand-job.
WTF?????? I didn’t just pay $500 for that?”
Is ignorance bliss for this guy?
So, what did he pay for? It seems to me that what he chose to pay for (in his own mind) was an experience where he harassed and abused a person, and then is dissatisfied, even offended, when she chooses to set a boundary. He appears to be enveloped in a magical illusion where women (sex workers?) are supposed to welcome poor treatment, not complain, and endure it (and no doubt, whilst having eleven orgasms at a mere flick of his splendidly skilled tongue).
“I told her, “well doesn’t seem like you’re into this, I’m a bit pissed off at your attitude”
I got up, put my clothes back on and headed for the door, I said goodnight to her, and she just kept saying – its not my fault. Well you know what missy…..IT IS your fault!
Told her to maybe treat her clients a bit better and these things wouldn’t happen. I don’t think she cares, she got $500 out of me for 30mins of bullshit.”
This part is one of my favourites. “It doesn’t seem like you’re into this.” And then he’s “pissed off”. Wow. If I stab someone in the eyeball and they aren’t “into it”, should I reprimand them? His illuminating wisdom and advice is that she should treat her clients better. Oh yes, that’s right. She should obviously throw her concerns, feelings and rights to the wind so she can embrace maltreatment, because that’s “her fault”. It reads as if this man thinks that he is entitled to her tolerance of what she is uncomfortable with, that because he paid for her time, he has a right to her regardless of her level of discomfort.
There is one part of the review I agree with. It was, without a shadow of a doubt, thirty minutes of bullshit. And what she got was $500, but it sounds like it was hard earned.
The reviewer eventually backtracked and declared that he “accidentally” wrote the review in a way that sounded vicious. I’m not quite sure how words can find themselves published by accident – was the reviewer sleep-typing? Possessed by Lucifer himself? On acid? Who knows what explanation there is for this. I cannot speak for this lady, how she feels, or what she thinks. But I can speak against sexual assault – which is what this describes – and its sanction, and thereby encouragement, on an adult forum.
Whilst I was in the process of editing this post, another review was posted. I won’t analyse it in such detail, but I will include here some direct quotes from the review. Note – “Evil IFP” appears to be the representation of the devil on the shoulder of the reviewer as opposed to the angel on the other. Also, the review has now been removed.
“Hmmm, after about 10 mins of muted enthusiasm & only the slightest of whimpers of enjoyment, the evil…internal monologue kicked back in & went “fuck this, I’m shoving my cock down this bitch’s throat… were on my time now”…”
“Evil IFP was shouting at me “grab that bitch’s head & face fuck her till her eyes water & snot’s running down her face””
“evil IFP internal monologue was now screaming “FUCK IT – STRAIGHT TO THE A! Slam this bitch and teach her a lesson””
“I will add at this point I got no objection from [the lady] about jamming her ass with an unlubed cock & without warning.”
“Evil IFP wanted to get his freak on at this point, so I hammered away on her arse while she diddled her clit & evil IFP began thinking “I’m not going to cum in this position, I am however going to continue tapping this arse till she’s unable to walk right”. I let evil IFP have his way & hammered the poor girls butthole while grabbing her neck, arse cheeks & hair for probably about 20 mins, longer than I have ever subjected any working girl to – ever.”
Back to the first review. It, along with the second one mentioned above, was followed by numerous sympathetic responses from other forum members, commiserating with the poor, ripped off reviewer. (There were no replies from sex workers as they are not permitted to publicly respond to reviews on this particular forum.) Reading these, I was utterly shocked, and deeply troubled. Even the forum owner supported him. Eventually some wonderful clients stood up for the lady and condemned the reviewer’s actions. However, the sheer number of members who supported this review really affected me.
This ends up as collusion. This gives permission to others who want to assault women. This supports the marginalisation of sex workers, as well as the societal overtone that sex workers have no rights, don’t deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, should not have or enforce personal boundaries, and at the end of that chain – that sex workers deserve violence. This makes this type of published written content very, very dangerous. And if you are reading this and rolling your eyes and tutting about what a drama queen I’m being, maybe it’s time to switch your brain on.
So, back to that endlessly debated question : what did he pay for? What do you feel you are paying for? Does “paying for it” create a space where, in the construction of a fantasy, you can direct the booking? To what degree is fair? As the client, the booking really is about you in many ways. How far does that extend for you?
A client once, anonymously, admitted to me that he looked down upon me from the perspective that, in the course of my job, I had to tolerate him and “grin and bear it”. If you agree with what my anonymous client said, how do you reconcile that inside yourself, in order to enjoy a booking?
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this, and on related topics you’d like to see me write about.
Now it’s time for a glass of shiraz or three to settle myself down. Calm blue ocean, Lara...