Thursday, 28 February 2013
“Only the united beat of sex and heart together can create ecstasy.” ~ Anaïs Nin
Sexual desire. I think I can confidently say it is as unique as every one of us. The sheer scope of sexuality and the cravings and turn ons that go along with it is sometimes beyond my imagination – after a lot of years in the sex industry, one could reason that I’ve heard it all. But this is not the case. There seems to be, quite literally, a peg for every, um, hole.
And said ‘holes’ are endlessly varied, from vanilla, through to kinky, through to disturbing, through to downright weird, depending on one’s own personal viewpoint. One person’s kinky is someone else’s yawn inducing material. Which is what I say to clients when they ask, “Can you do something kinky to me?”.
Once, someone asked me about providing a BDSM type service. I have some experience and certainly a lot of interest in this, so it is something I like to do from time to time. Let’s call him ‘Algernon’, because, well, it’s an endearingly quirky name so why not. This is how the conversation went:
Algernon: Hi Lara. Do you provide a BDSM service? Me: Yes. Algernon: Ok, I’d like to make a booking for that. Me: Can I just ask a few questions? How full on do you like to go? Light, medium, heavy? Algernon: Heavy, I want you to do everything. Me: Ok, I’m not sure I’m trained enough to provide a very heavy, full on service. What kind of service are you actually after? Bondage? Corporal punishment? Humiliation? Algernon: I don’t know what I want. What are all those things? Me: …. Is it something you’ve done before? Ever? Algernon: No.
Can you spot the issue here? What appeared to me to be the blindingly obvious issue was that Algernon had no idea what BDSM meant as a concept, and no idea what he wanted, and for some people, even a light nibble on the neck is enough to make them freak out. For others, being electrocuted, wrapped head to toe in glad wrap and branded with an iron is a normal Friday night. If I was inexperienced and careless and took Algernon’s booking, and just winged it, throwing out, say, some beatings and some severe humiliation techniques, he could end up not only psychologically traumatised, but also physically injured. Or simply, unsatisfied and unfulfilled.
Anyway, the point of this story is to illustrate how important it can be to know what you want.
Lots of people don’t (especially women). And lots of people aren’t aware of how their feelings intertwine with their sexuality and their desire.
Emotions can be critical to sexual desire. Sex is something felt and expressed not just in the body and mind, but in the heart as well. People often meet emotional and psychological needs through sex – things like wanting to be wanted, to please or to gain approval, to feel loved or to feel sexy, to express love, to feel in control, or to surrender, are all yearnings we can satisfy either consciously or unconsciously by playing them out during sex. Some people love to be in control, to call the shots in bed, whether by just being the one who is being a bit directive or by being very dominant with a capital D. Others love to have the chance to let go of control, to be directed or to really submit and even sometimes to be degraded or humiliated in a way that means something to them. There’s some decent basis for the stereotype of the high-powered executive visiting a dungeon for a session with his favourite Domme – it gives him license to surrender control, not be responsible for being in charge, and letting someone else take the reins (although, that is a generalisation and not accurate for many submissives!). And at the crux of the link between emotion and sex is the concept of feeling ‘safe’. Safe to be yourself, to open up, to proudly display your vanilla and/or kinky feathers. This is important to many people and can mean the difference between a mediocre bonk and a mind-blowing, earth-moving explosion of lust and passion.
The rainbow of sexual desire is beautiful, multi-faceted and constructed of so many colours and shades and tones. If you know which kind of blue you like within the rainbow (maybe it’s a jaunty periwinkle, maybe it’s deep, dark, naughty navy ☺) you can ask for what you want, and get it.
Here are some of my favourites – note, this is absolutely not an exhaustive list! • Good, sensual, passionate kissing • Receiving massages – slow, sexy, not rushed, and feet! Ohh, foot massage… • A man who smells amazing • Dirty talk • Intelligence • A man in a well cut suit – there’s something about refined grooming that is irresistible • Toys – as most people know, Lelo is the bomb! • Being watched whilst I masturbate – especially with the aforementioned toys • Spanish – ole! • Being caressed all over slowly and gently, barely brushing the skin – something that takes time, patience and deliberate sensuality which is something rare in itself • Watching a man fix something – anything will do, just wield that tool and I’m a goner • Watching someone in raptures of delicious ecstasy, delivered by me
How about you? Are you in a close personal relationship with your carnal urges? Or is your sexual identity still hiding out somewhere? What do you do to make your wishes come true? Is there something you ache to take out of the fantasy realm and play out in real life? Do you feel comfortable to ask for it? Or is the idea of revealing that part of yourself a little too scary?
Regardless, life is too short to go without exploring and meeting our deepest desires… That’s one of the many wonderful parts of my job. Having the privilege of being let in to someone’s sexuality is pretty terrific, and when I can be a part of helping someone to realise their fantasies or to discover something new that they love that they weren’t previously aware of it’s just divine. I love watching someone ecstatically paddling around in their own unique sexuality with me and/or unfurling like a flower in front of my eyes.
So, what does it for you? What floats your boat? Maybe you can give me some new ideas…